My Cooking Adventure 9-15-12

My Cooking Adventure 9-15-12

I am going to admit to some embarrassing things here for the point of showing how big a deal my cooking adventure was.  I don’t cook!!  I really really don’t cook!  My food is either microwaved, bought already done, delivered, or I pick things to eat that don’t require cooking (apples, carrots, nuts, bread, etc.)

I can list on one hand the things I have cooked from scratch (wait does heating frozen veggies count?)  I made meatloaf once but I was heavily supervised.  I made soup once but it was also supervised and didn’t turn out like soup, it was yummy but had no broth when it was done so not sure what the fuck to call soup without broth.

Oh well I think you get the point now.

While sitting here I still don’t know what got me all fired up to try this yesterday but I got it in my head and I wasn’t going to stop thinking about it till I tried it.  I had to make steak, mashed potatoes and asparagus from scratch by myself!!  HAD TOOOOOO!

My first problem: How the hell to get started?!

Off to the Youtube!!!  I am sure there has to be videos how there to show me how to do this, if I can watch a cat jump into a TV, learn to apply eye shadow, and how to clean battery acid from a car battery with just water and baking soda youtube can do anything!

First I looked into the steak, hay I’m not dummy, if it looked too hard I was just going to throw in the towel now and get me some cereal.  What did I find Chef Gordon Ramsey!!!  Well that sure seemed like a good omen.  I love that guy I watch all his shows!!  Hell’s Kitchen, Master Chef, Hotel Hell, Kitchen Nightmare.  Here is the link if you want to try this like I did!

Now here are some things he didn’t tell me that I wish I had known!!

  • What is that stuff he put all over the steak?  I had no idea so just for the hell of it I added garlic salt and pepper…not sure why just seemed like it might have been something I heard on his show in the past.
  • THERE ARE 10 billion kind of oil out there!  Shit I had no idea what to get so I used veggie oil as that is what I had at home.  Humm veggie oil on steak….does that seem odd sounding to you too?
  • Then he says something about the pan just starting to smoke WTF that sounds scary so I didn’t wait that long I had crazy images of the house on fire.  Smoke = bad….right!  So I just waited till the pan was hot.
  • NEXT holy fuck beans that hot oil shit shoots every fucking where, and cooking in a tank top was BAD IDEA X 10!  Soooooo then as the pan is shooting blindly hot shit I me I screamed like a little girl.  BUT I learned something!!  I had a kitchen towel with me the whole time, I see the cooks on his show with them, I figured maybe I’d find a use for it.  Plus I wash my hands 10 million times (I HATE stuff being on my hands!) well I took that kitchen towel and covered my hand with it then used to tongs to turn the steak when I needed to (yes screaming like a bitch the whole time and cursing lots of cursing)
  • BUT a least I leaned not to flip the damn thing to many times as I would have in the past when it doubt flip it over, that was my old motto when cooking the unknown.
  • Now some more embarrassing news I was freaking my shit at this point as it was snapping hot oil at me I forgot to time the cooking on each side! Now if you don’t know me that well I TIME EVERYTHING!  I have timer apps for everything.  I time the laundry, I time my medication, etc.  So not timing the steak was unheard of!!!
  • Then last but not least the butter he says to add at the end I did it with steak number 1 but not number 2 as I was tired of getting hit with the hot oil!!  I can’t see the difference, or taste it!  I just can’t get over how easy he makes it look!


HOLY FUCK BEANS I almost forgot how he teaches you how to check the temperature of the meat he tells us to touch the steak WHILE IT IS COOKING OH MY FUCKING GOD IT IS HOT!  SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.  Well I screamed like a girl again but I fucking did it!! AND what did I learn…that I am never touching cooking meat again I can tell you that!!  It reminded me of the time I would out with my cousins and the car stopping working and we lifted the hood to look under it and realized we had no fucking clue what to look at and we may as well have just left it alone.

  • Almost forgot the most important thing I learned was DON’T WASH THE MEAT!!!

Bet you all are thinking well from the sound of it she make a big ass mess and it turned out like shit.

WRONG!!  It kicked ass!!!



Now my adventure is being told out of order but this way it makes it easy for me to keep track of what’s what.


When I was looking up how to cook steak on youtube I found how to make mashed potatoes.


Here is the think to make the mashed potatoes

I skipped the way he removed the outside (see the next link to remove the potato skin!) and this video didn’t leave me hanging like the steak video did (but he probably figured we had common sense and I don’t when it comes to cooking.)  If you want to remove the skin the way I found from the next video skip to 2:15 in this video.  Note that your potatoes have been cooked for 15 minutes in the process to remove the skin.

Once I removed the skin I cut them into pieces like he does in his video

  • I tested my potatoes by cutting with a spoon but I SHOULD HAVE TESTED MORE THAN ONE AS some of mine was still hard, but it didn’t make them taste any less good.
  • And holy fuck beans I would never add cheese.
  • Also I’d like to add don’t worry when you add the milk if it makes it look to thin it works out in the end I swear!




And How to Remove the Skin as I am Lazy

AND IT FUCKING WORKED!!!  Gilligan’s Island was then stuck in my head in case you were wondering.  Here are the words in case you want to sing along with the voices in my head.

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.

The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

The weather started getting rough,
The tiny ship was tossed,
If not for the courage of the fearless crew
The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan
The Skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife,
The movie star
The professor and Mary Ann,
Here on Gilligans Isle.

So this is the talel of the castways,
They’re here for a long, long time,
They’ll have to make the best of things,
It’s an uphill climb.

The first mate and the Skipper too,
Will do their very best,
To make the others comfortable,
In the tropic island nest.

No phone, no lights no motor cars,
Not a single luxury,
Like Robinson Crusoe,
As primative as can be.

So join us here each week my freinds,
You’re sure to get a smile,
From seven stranded castways,
Here on “Gilligan’s Isle.


Here is the last video I watched How to Cook Asparagus

I really liked here she left me with no questions and she seemed really sweet.

Now I do have to also admit that I might now have been so panicked when I was cooking if it had my full concentration but I was playing Hay Day on my ipad at the same time ADD I guess or like my old WOW guild leader said ADHD!

This blog update would have been done sooner but while trying to find the youtube videos to link in here I found a ferret video I had to watch and a kitten and a hamster eating from a tiny picnic table.

Then last night I thought if youtube could teach me too cook I could also fix the calking in the bathroom…let’s just say that didn’t end well!  I managed to glue my hands together into fits and when I tried to wash it off it wouldn’t come off.  Then after being giving bad advice to wash off the stuff I may have made a poison gas that made me unable to break and pass out and shit but that is a blog update I might ‘forgot to write”.  But learn from me don’t mix cleaning stuff together EVER!!

Here is my dinner, and I didn’t have to tip a delivery person!!

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